I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
