if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
