I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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