You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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