i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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