I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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