apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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