Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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