i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
