Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Randomize