This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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