So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
