First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
