I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
