Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
