Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Drake has all the answers
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
