i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need a beard to bite.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
