I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
