She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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