he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
