Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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