apparently the secret to your success is patron
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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