he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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