You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
