Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
