So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
