I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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