How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
