I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
