If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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