don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
