Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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