Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
