First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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