My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
