suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
