DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
