Got a toothbrush?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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