He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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