i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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