I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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