It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
