Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found your dick twin last night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
