dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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