roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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