I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
