I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
its liver damage thursday
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
