woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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