just tell him i said nine months
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
