News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
