Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
