I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And then he peed in my hair
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