No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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