my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
