You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
