Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
