hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
