Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
