I wish I could teleport
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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