Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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