I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
