I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize