I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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