He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
