when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
