worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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