I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
